Letting Me Be

The Point

2012-03-02T14:26:00.000+11:00

I dont blog as much as I used to and I have no reason why, merely the fact that sitting down and composing a blog post sends my senses reeling and brings thoughts I try to control brimming to the surface.

Yep, I am a basket case to be sure, lol.

So, some points of interest (or not) from' Ballico Manor.'

Joshua is officially out of school and attending TAFE 3 days a week for the next two years. He is home a lot and busy establishing his own little business named aptly "Ballico Productions" ; he is also on the 'Surfest Media Team' and so a busy few weeks lay ahead for him. He is also getting around 3 shifts a week at K Mart which is wonderful from 'a parent handing over cash' point of view. His room is no where near the mess Prue's used to be but its getting close I can tell you. He is often angry, often funny, often loveable, often intolerable, in short, he is a 19 year old male and I love him anyway. I love K MART too. To look at the website Click Here
Prue is now half way through her pregnancy; she is vibrant , radiant and beautiful and I feel a little bit more than love and pride in her. What an amazing young woman she is. Her and Matt have settled well into their little nest and I love that I see her or hear from her almost every day. She is so beautiful this daughter of mine and so happy to be having a son of her own. She will be a wonderful mother and its wonderful to think that Prue and Kristy's baby's are due within 6 weeks of each other, and both boys; amazing.
Marc is busy as always. Busy , busy boy trying to plan a trip with his Mum to visit her sisters in Tasmania. Hockey as always features highly on Marc's agenda- he has had a few injuries of late but over all seems to be holding up well. Life is okay but we all realise the house needs some work done and its just a case of finding the time and the money. In short, Marc has a lot on his mind and I try to remember a time when it wasn't so. Thank God for hockey I say. It seems to balance the constant churning of work.
Me I am recovering from a bout of Lithium Toxicity and I have to tell you, that is NOT good. This time last week I was actually starting to come out of it but it wasn't till early this week that I got brave enough to handle the stairs. Lithium has been a wonderful drug for me, it actually works with very little side effects , so as you may imagine, I was devastated to think I needed to come off it. Instead, we halved the dose I was on and so far, it is handling well- I feel strong in my limbs and my speech has improved almost 100%. I am happy.

People ring me and ask for readings and maybe some time I will be able to accommodate them but not now.

I think a lot about spirituality and its place in my life. I feel saddened that my soul feels empty and yet I dont ever wish I could go back. "Back" was a bad place and I dont want to go there ever again.

I have no anger, no bitterness, just a sense of loss, of heartache that I fear will be there forever, and so I work at exposing it, clearing it our, challenging it and filling the remaining void with love and light.

I dont see God or Goddess, I see something called the Christ Head; not male nor female, something above it all- the powerful, voice of Karma, of love, of redemption.

The people in my life now are the people i want there, trust there. I know I am shut off alot but that is just how I need to be now, need to heal.

Marc and Prue worry about my being shut off, wishing I did more like beading or reading etc. but I am just not there. I am in my head, trying to figure out the a's and b's of this period of my life.

I feel the onward momentum in my life and this assures me that even if I feel I have stagnated I have not. The universe will always push us forward, will always test out strength, our desire to be who we want to be.

I just want to be me again.

I just want to be me.

Ballico Productions SHOWREEL 2011

2012-02-08T14:46:00.000+11:00

"The Good Guy" - Josh Ballico - The High School Session

2012-02-08T14:45:00.000+11:00

"Sometimes" - Josh Ballico - The High School Session

2012-02-08T14:44:00.001+11:00

"The Good Guy" - Josh Ballico - The High School Session

2012-02-08T14:44:00.000+11:00

Ballico Productions SHOWREEL 2011

2012-02-08T14:35:00.000+11:00

plummet

2012-01-27T13:31:00.000+11:00

down today
headache that threatens to kill
and heat

yep
a bit down today

Busy As

2012-01-25T14:55:00.000+11:00

SOOOOOOOOOOOO much going on in my life right now
I have something on every weekend til the end of Feb.

Prue is doing well- thoroughly sick of me of my intense grand parenting and Josh is back to TAFE in a week or so.

Marc is missing far too much hockey due to wash outs ; they used to play in the rain see, but not any more, too dangerous.

Okay so, weekend just gone was the parentals 40th wedding anniversary and a wonderful time was had. Family can be so great- I am going to try and upload a picture that my niece Georgia had made into a canvas. The canvas was the gift.

The kids all looked beautiful.

So life is ok, I hope it is for you too.

2011-12-30T16:40:00.000+11:00

all is well and centred here
well, if you mean by 'well and centred'
bouncing like a ping pong ball around my padded cell
then i am certainly 'well and centred'

Most people who know my daughter Prue will agree that she is not the conventional type, not one to follow form, not one to be bossed around.

Most people would then agree that the chances of Prue having an 'ordinary' baby name are very small indeed.

I am a bit scared now.

YES !

2011-12-28T18:39:00.001+11:00

I am a Grandmother to be
to be a Nanna I am

Me

Yes, ME

red faced

2011-12-17T12:27:00.000+11:00

believes

i can never tell any-more; is that right ?

I beleive

2011-12-14T18:27:00.000+11:00

that children have a right to safety

and so do animals

as we lay sleeping

2011-12-06T15:58:00.002+11:00

I am very down today.
Sad down
Down,down

In the next couple of days
things will change here

a part of me previously unknown
will see the light of day

I dont know about God
just dont care to label

but change is happening
for me
in my life
with those I love

the terrified little girl within me
who has screamed relentlessly for the last 44 years
will finally be acknowledged .

I am so sad
for the innocence that will cost.

Shocking News Cast - Hilarious !

2011-12-05T15:26:00.001+11:00

Son of Mine Again

2011-12-01T10:59:00.000+11:00

It' s only 2 min long but you can go to 1.20 or there about's

http://www.theherald.com.au/news/local/news/general/pictures-video-school-newspaper-winners/2376908.aspx

this seems interesting

2011-11-28T11:35:00.000+11:00

http://stevebeckow.com/

Thanks Nat !

yep, its raining

2011-11-25T15:33:00.001+11:00

Lots happening in Lisa world- a million things and rain too

I am about to take probably some of the biggest steps in my life over the next couple of weeks; yep, big stuff ahead.

so today there is rain
and general dampness

but i am pushing ahead
because i have to

grateful as always to Marc and the kids
to my doctor
and my psychologist

does anyone know of some good websites where i can find out information about the energies of 2012 ?

Dexter in My Life

2011-11-13T15:04:00.000+11:00

Big fan of DEXTER

Big

Fan

I love the moral ambiguity that comes with a show such as Dexter; my feelings are constantly stirred, my intellect challenged, by belief system questioned, tormented and swirled around.

The big story line this season is "spirituality" and what people will and wont do because they 'believe' in their version of GOD, their interpretation of GOD words.

There was a time in my life when I honestly believed that I heard the word of GOD ( or whatever you wish to call that power force) ; i believed this so completely that this belief changed my world, changed my life, my family, my relationships, changed me.

What I didn't realise was that at the same time I was changing to accommodate divine source, I was also giving my power over as well and that is when the scary parts of having a relationship with God start to appear.

Aspects like ego, judgement, supposed superiority.
Aspects like blind faith, like finding excuses for the horrendous and aspects like believing ourselves to be separate or different to those around us, aspects that make us think we are much better than those around us, our views, thoughts, intelligence, much better.

I have met many Christians in my travels and yes they want to save you, yes they want you to see life like they do BUT they are not better than you, not further up the rung, not exclusively illuminated from within.

I have met many Witches too and again, who would they be to preach religious superiority over anyone else?

Inside every single one of us a grain of light taken directly from the Divine source; it connects us to the love out there - ALL OF US. All we ever need do is activate it.

All knowing speaks to us from the gut; crude but effective.

Forgiveness isnt divine, forgiveness is humane and no one can save you BUT you.

We are born to take the lead with our own life.

Religion is just a word.

We are all born with divine spark and we all accumulate emotional, intellectual , spiritual baggage and debris.

I'm done x

Brad Pitt

2011-11-12T19:45:00.001+11:00

I am in love.

Again.

With Brad Pitt.

Again.

and I am not talking a 'BRANGELINA' kind of thing either

just love

love

of the movie star variety

You see, Brad and I have this
' once every so often'
kind of thing

meaning that
every now and then
I will see a film with Brad Pitt in it

and he will become my movie star crush
for anything from 5 mins to 36 hours.

Yes, tis a fickle heart of mine .

Brad Pitt.

'MONEYBALL'

a good movie indeed.

now I must go

be in love

with Brad

because I am a champion

and will always take one for the team.

observation life

2011-11-11T19:40:00.000+11:00

Its been a week of observing, of trying to refrain from judgement, of trying to stand apart.

But sometimes you can, you know ?
and other times you cant hold back the insights given by a power higher than your own.

Spiritually speaking; well I guess I dont spiritually speak any more but I do spiritually think and observe and this week has been an interesting week of life for me.

Kerry is doing better and today is her birthday. 11 / 11 /11 - amazing hey ?

I am healthy, watching weight, being pro active in that regard.

Josh has been offered some work and is downstairs as we speak filling out forms with his father.

Prue has quit her job at Hell-Flora and that is such a relief for all of us.
It has been less than pleasant there for a long time and she finally did 'the walk'earlier this week.
Thank god it is over.
My daughter is an angel, she deserves better.

I've come to a point in my life where I realise that I am indeed a whole person and I dont need the applause of a crowd who are secretly waiting for me to fall, or while tiring of the wait, waiting to push me.

I dont need that.

I dont need to be in judgement of you or you and I dont need your judgement of me or mine. I will reject it. and you. I will. As I have before.

I dont need to find my humour at the expense of others and you see it happen all the time. It is not funny to hurt someone. It's cruelty. Its abuse.

I dont see me as someone who needs the approval of others , for me to be accepting of my own strengths, weaknesses.

I am total, complete.

I looking at social networking and I cringe just a little at the amount of souls on there participating in the only social interactions they are able to sustain being that they are incapable of keeping real relationships.

I dont need to 'save' you, 'raise you from perdition' 'alter' who you are. I dont need to do that.
YOU are just fine.

Come to me, as you are, the truest essence of you because that is what I need, nothing more.
Expect this from others and stay away from those who seek to change, convert, save, and otherwise reform you.

Do not give into the ego driven look always for the love driven.

Stay true to you.

I feel complete, not a void.

Me.

Frank Turner - Redemption + Lyrics

2011-11-10T12:16:00.000+11:00

Kerry

2011-11-06T13:26:00.000+11:00

Could you all please send love and healing to my sister Kerry who took a tumble off her horse a couple of days ago.

Loss - Relay for Life

2011-11-03T10:38:00.001+11:00

Marc has lost a dear friend in the week just past.
The funeral is today.
This loss is timely due to the 'relay for life' this weekend.
Marc has always participated in the fundraiser and will be doing so with 'gusto' this weekend.

If you would like to donate this is the link
http://relay.cancercouncil.com.au/2011/newcastlelake_macquarie_2011/richo_mike__rexs_rambler

Cancer is a bastard ; a greedy, frightening, take-no-prisoners, killer of a disease.

Loss.

Never easy.

sunday

2011-10-23T15:59:00.000+11:00

today i am
angry and unsettled
sore and overwhelmed

i dont understand the feelings i have
yet they flow through me
of me
out of me
with every beat of my heart

today i am me
3 days into a medication change
3 days closer to losing my mind

but that is what they want
dont they
that is what they want

HSC

2011-10-17T13:11:00.000+11:00

Joshua has his first exam in the HSC in about an hours time.
Wow.
Where has the time gone?

Yep. A big two weeks coming up.

catch up

2011-10-14T14:44:00.000+11:00

it has been a trying couple of weeks; not just for me but for those who share my space, my life, my experiences.

my tooth is finally settling down after huge amounts of time, money and pain. it is finally moving back into its place within my gum, and its place out of my mind. thank god.

tomorrow my sister Sharon gets married, hot on the heels of my niece ( her daughter) four weeks ago. I will be standing up with her and still at this time, have nothing to wear. I dont do formal wear but will come up with something. 70 guests in their tiny yard.

please god no rain.

be assured i have not deserted you, just finding my feet after what appears to be on calamity after another.

home, hearth, family is it for me at the moment, its all i can do for now.

please god no rain.

wedding bells

2011-10-04T15:44:00.000+11:00

My sister Sharon rang last night to ask me to be her maid/matron of honour at her upcoming wedding. This is very exciting news- well for me at least, being that I have never been a 'brides anything' before.
So yes, this is nice.
Except that the wedding is in under two weeks and I now need something to wear. I have decided I can wear my black skirt and shoes and will look around for a top that fits in with Sharon' s dress.

So yes, this has excitement potential.

Marc is at work and is not well- Spring being what it is and what it does to susceptible noses.

Joshua is in town tonight for a 'open mike night' and we found out yesterday that his short film has made it through to the final 5 in the Newcastle Film Festival.
I cant wait to see his little film up on the big screen.

So life, yep.

I am sad a lot and planning to ring my psychologist to pick up some appointments.

It is hard going through life knowing you are a disappointment to so many people. Myself included. Its hard knowing that you are doing the best you can and its still not enough.
Its hard being me and being you I imagine, having to live with me.

Im sorry I guess

Lisa xx

Sunday

2011-10-02T13:18:00.000+11:00

bloody hell

out of coffee
always a shock to realise how much our body relies on it
coffee

rain
rain
rain
washing away our blues
rain
east coast of Australia
October

go Manly
the grand-final today
such awful weather

my poor hounds are outside ( undercover of course)
pleading with me
to let them in

later maybe

rain

say no more

today is Friday

2011-09-30T13:43:00.000+10:00

just a down day today
the wind doesn't help but is not to blame

nothing is to blame
no one, no thing

today just is what it is
and nothing more
nothing less

still my feelings are valid
i know they are
and I should do what i need to do to get through

a shower is long overdue
and is next on my list

Joshua is home studying for exams

thank you to everyone for the nice comments, emails on his latest song
he amazes us and it is good to see him enjoying his music with his friends

alot of the stuff he performs is written by him, but there are occasional ones where another of his friends has written or co- written.

The one from the other day is written by Joshua and the other guitarist is Shaun, a friend of Joshua's since Kindergarten.

So yes, today is blue and i feel exposed, bare and confused.

I dont know what's happening out there in the cosmos but it is affecting me on a cellular level.

"-" - Josh Ballico & Shaun Danger - Jam

2011-09-28T18:52:00.000+10:00

My son.

Again.

Wheel of Fortune

2011-09-27T11:58:00.000+10:00

Well that was short and sweet.
My brief return to Facebook that is.
I just couldn't do it, was foolish to believe i could.
It messes with my brain and i know i can see wedding photos another time.

Phew.

Here in the nest there are financially motivated hardships.

Almost two years of Marc trying to hold it all together and honestly he deserves a break or at least some help.

It is time for the fat lady to sing.

None of the enquiries i have made into returning to work have added up to anything much, so i have made a decision to start doing readings again. It is the one thing i know I can do and can do well. Of course reading from home is much different to reading from the Cottage or a shop and i will need to make those adjustments.

Every week i get between 4 and 10 requests for readings and now i need to embrace those opportunities This can be my small way of helping out.

So if you know anyone who needs a reading please let them know I am working again. Also if anyone would like email reading i can do that too.

My details are lisaanneballico@hotmail.com and i am in the phone book as well.

Gosh, I need a shower and a glass of champagne.

hmpf.

I am, truth be known

2011-09-23T16:53:00.000+10:00

looking for work but with no luck due to my wonky speech ( my speech really is a million times better than ever)
and then there is my 'tremor' and the awful shaking in my hands- its embarrassing and i even have trouble punching in my PIN number or signing my name
them's the breaks I guess
still, we need me to work
because it is not fair the way it is
not fair to Marc
I know i still have a pile of books to sell
but am putting that off until closer to Xmas
so yeah
i need to work
even though i am broken and almost 50
especially because i am broken and almost 50

so it ends, and begins, and ends again......

2011-09-23T15:37:00.000+10:00

Today was the last day of my Joshua's school life.
He has done so well, constantly a child to be proud of, a consistent if somewhat chronic over achiever.
Last night he won a few awards, including one with a massive trophy and a massive gift card of $200.

So yeah, all those years and it comes to this. My little boy is a man near grown.

So, I have a house full of young people and soon they will venture outside to sing a bit, laugh a bit.

I have been a mum for most of the last 25 years and i look at these kids they way i have always looked at them, as opportunities to do it, get it, right.

I think i need a bit of a cry as I readjust (once again) to a world ever spinning, changes ever coming.

I am so proud
yet humbled

aware of the latest tidal change

Facebook

2011-09-19T12:04:00.000+10:00

Hi everyone

My niece Georgia was married this past weekend and so I have hopped on to Facebook a couple of times to see photos etc.

I am not getting back into the Facebook scene but i need cruise a bit for now.

Facebook is not my thing, never has been really.

Thanks for caring.

Smooch xx

assorted images of my life

2011-08-24T19:55:00.000+10:00

Chris Lilley

2011-08-06T13:23:00.002+10:00

Prue and Josh have travelled to Sydney today to meet Chris Lillie..this is going to be good

i dont know

2011-08-06T13:17:00.000+10:00

I am coming out of a horrible week- tensions are frayed around here reminding me that when I am having a horrible week, others are as well.

Life is about reaction isn't it?

So, I am surfing the rim, the dental pain is like 10000 times better and i am moving towards capabilities again.

Still my version of active will never be the version that others require and so i am just hanging on.

Sad me much ? Maybe but also trying hard to push the required extra mile.

be me?
no
never

vinyl records
the tracks
the groves
hmmm

Nick Cave - Into My Arms

2011-08-04T13:39:00.001+10:00

tooth ache x 16 billion

2011-08-03T12:48:00.001+10:00

http://www.mamarants.com/2011/06/fat-liberation-manifesto.html

oh gawd....................
tooth ache

turns out that the toothache from hell
is actually the infected gum for hell
meaning that copious amounts of
antibiotics
and painkillers are required
before Steve the dentist can do anything on Monday

groan and sob

then this

huge eff-a-lant me
on Tuesday morning
trying to
juggle aforementioned drugs
PLUS the hot water bottle
proceeded to try and wrap HWB
and then FELL over in my bedroom
bang, bang, boom
slap bang into the door
causing Marc & Josh to come running
and all i could cry about was my poor face

so, you know the way falls are
you dont really feel the pain until about 24 hours later
and boy am i feeling it now
my poor ass
knees
all over really

so, plans to visit Jac have been put aside as I am not allowed to enter high staph areas- believe me, that would be the frikan end of me.

I hurt
not as much as some for sure
but a hell of alot more than others most defiantly

can someone get me some of these ?

2011-08-02T11:12:00.000+10:00

double cream

2011-07-30T18:56:00.000+10:00

I am at a starting point
or a re-starting point
whatever
I know that I am here

I am not ready to do so much
and yet here
in this place of new starts
fresh opportunities
i find myself leaning into the breeze
the 'start from here' breeze
it overlaps me

the next part of this journey of me begins
there is no better time than now
no other time will be better
it is simply
time
time to move
to embrace
to restore the process of living Lisa

medications for me are a part of life and as i know
these medications are here to stay
so is the knowledge that i must move forward
side effects and all

the other day
i was astounded to find in amongst my emails
a 'paypal' receipt from a lady in Canada
with a donation for me attached.

I dont know what this lady
found so worthy in my words
but she did, she found something in me

so
one foot in front of the other
its time to try my new life out

i need to earn some money
need to lean onto the breeze

i will try to blog every day

i have a tooth ache
and what a misery that is
tooth aches that start at 5.30pm on Friday evening
are not fun for the weekend
and i am thinking of taking a hammer and chisel to it myself

so
what do i do know?
where does my path lie ?

knowing the door is opening helps

I am only me
and me it seems
is all I can be
right now

i will try

every-night I save you

2011-07-18T14:13:00.001+10:00

I dont know if there is a perfect spiritual belief for me at this time just as i dont know if there is a perfect spiritual belief for you or anyone else for that matter.

In this world, at this time, massive change is afoot; maybe it is change leading to something else or maybe it is not change at all, just more of the same, more of the same - endless, relentless.

I see clearly now, stuff that has been masked for so long and then again, I see stuff and I see nothing at all.

I just want to be free of it, the screen caps of my life that flash the instant i close my eyes. Free of them yet understanding the new gift of perception.

And I want to say I'm sorry; To you my friends, for any pain, hurt or dismay I have caused you over the last 10 years. I have always done what I have felt to be right at the time but sometimes right is not always right. I tried to work from a place beyond ego but that in itself egocentric , claiming that I could do so, be so.

I fell and no one could save me and I am left with debris.
I blame no one but me.
Every night I save me in my dreams
and everynight I save you too.
every-night

2011-07-12T15:24:00.000+10:00

from where I sit I see a blankness this day- an un-fuelled car, no driver, nothing to drive.

when I try so hard to acknowledge me.... I fall, failing into the space of time

and that is me, sifting, searching, rumbling numb.

me .

but no complaints just realisations

little stuff, minor miracles that need assembly and that can be hard

so I lose myself in the words and thoughts of others

recognizing their words as being un spoken words of my own..

lessons come to fruition and with the fruit, the honey of knowing.

my dad has been sick and there have been concerns there
and Marc has stuff going on

so life- i wish i could remember the tidbits of truths that i have experienced- i had them in my head on the way upstairs but now they are gone.

in the rapid river of life all we can do is hang on to our canoe

i am strong because the people around me are strong
my family
who have formed a circle
and encircled me with cast iron love
i cannot be strong on my own
no footing of my own

yet

I do not know what I have ever done, could ever have done to find my self here

hanging
scared

i dont understand your definition of well

i really dont

blogging

2011-07-01T13:18:00.000+10:00

I have no real need to blog
because the words I have I will not share
and the thoughts I have I couldnt share if I wanted to
and I dont
I dont

I struggle daily with the side effects of medication my body requires to keep me well
My head is a mess, I have no co-ordination and jaded reflexes
See, these are the things I dont want to share.

however I have stood, however I have moved, however
has bought me right here to this spot

see I have nothing to say or share

I just need to be with Marc and my kids for now

Its the only way i trust myself to be right now.

A Catch Up of sorts

2011-06-17T11:03:00.000+10:00

I am wondering how many of you are aware of Jac's recent family crisis ? I have heard from her twice and am happy to pass on details if you email me. I dont think she would mind.

Having said that, catch up news.

Losing weight is hard but i am persisting.
I am walking most days although the recent rain saw me house bound for 5 days.
House bound with the fridge and pantry.
Shudder.

My doctor has warned me that losing weight while I am on the medication I am on would be an up hill battle, so i have adjusted my expectations accordingly.
Groan.

Still, I am back in the swing again and do feel lighter even if the scales tell me i'm not.

Today it is actually sunny and crisp outside so i will get a good walk in this afternoon.

My son is on Youtube- if you do a search/ type in 'Josh Ballico' you will be able to see his latest four songs
1. dreams man
2. Andy's song
3. drowned in the quandary
4. caio for now

Otherwise, life goes on as Im sure it does for you.

Does ANYONE have my True Blood seasons 1 & 2 dvds ??

I loaned them to SOMEONE but cant remember who.

Please help.

this 'n' that

2011-06-05T14:15:00.000+10:00

Last night went so well; a handful of gorgeous friends and food, what more could one want ?

Josh entertained us with one of his own songs and Marc, raced back from an away game
(hockey) to cook the BBQ for us- like I said, what more can one ask for.

Laughter for sure and safety within a circle, it is so nice to feel that again.

I am blessed and every time i close my eyes I see a Chevy with a vibrator on top........now what's that about ?

lol

this place, inbetween

2011-05-31T18:34:00.000+10:00

I am in that place
in between
that place
not here, nor there
not good,nor bad

this place
in between

I am still watching the diet
walking and exercise biking every day
yet I feel i have made very little dent in the mass that is me

I am trying though
trying hard

last night
a horror night
mind chatter kept me awake til late
up until early
with me thinking
'what is this ????'
with me thinking
'this cant be happening NOW'

so yeah
a bit of this
a bit of that
a bit all over

xxx

blah blah, blah blahhhh

2011-05-27T10:41:00.000+10:00

Yes, walking is addictive and I am becoming less and less tired and sore as I go.

The sun is brilliant this morning and I am looking forward to getting out in it- i love this time of year because I am a person who loves layers of clothing and this is perfect for that.

Our wedding invitation arrived yesterday and i am very excited. How lovely to have a wedding in the family- it seems eons ago that Kristy got married and now we have both Georgia and my sister Sharon in the space of a couple of months.

Yes, a definite incentive to get some weight off.

MIL has her birthday today and we are celebrating; life feels nice and relaxed at the moment.

Josh is off at the Dungog Film Festival today and i wish i could have tagged along, his day sounds fascinating.

Still, someone has to hold the fort down, make the bed, do the dishes etc.

Have a Friday worth living.

me xx

when a poodle loves you

2011-05-26T11:03:00.000+10:00

am somewhat out of sorts today
blah
I think I need another cup of coffee

anyway, darling husband
is home today
because of the weather being the way it was and is

i needed to have a blood test this morning
and i am so lucky
because the lady comes to my home to do this
and that is so convenient

morning blood test does however
mean that i cant take my morning meds until it is done
and that throws me alot because they are of the drowsy kind
so i needed to go back to bed
and now am here feeling drowsy
shaky
jerky
and over all, not too good

so
i need to shower
i need to tidy up
and i need to walk
i really need to walk
amazing how fast
walking can become addictive

lovely little visit with Michelle and Jen yesterday

take care everyone
smooch

when a poodle loves you, he claims you a his own as Michelle found out yesterday

just a line

2011-05-24T11:13:00.000+10:00

Just a line
to tell
i am doing FINE
very good
swell

just a line
to say food is not on my mind
and i am walking
every day

on track
and determined
in my resistance to give in

will weigh myself sometime soon
life is very good
and i am determined

Lisa xx

ps.....walking everyday and yes, its getting easier

from this point

2011-05-23T10:59:00.000+10:00

life is bounding all around me
noises
heartbeats

questions being asked
answers being sought
life
around me

am still on track
very
thin as
well
you know

a couple of really big walks over the week end
and early nights

a very nice weekend indeed

life
the reclaiming of
life
by me

into the wall

the fall did smash

shattered

every bone

upon the floor

the crumpled mess

lie weak

broken bare

from this place

and only here

the beaten soul

can repair

day five of lesser me

2011-05-20T11:11:00.001+10:00

so thin
yep
so thin

and you can call it
fluid,
gas
phantom pregnancy
or what ever else you want to call it
the fact is
i can see my feet
and its been a while since that happened

so
thin I am
on my way
anyway

some big things going on in the nest

My sister Sharon is getting married !!!
excitement plus am I
but it's official
come October my Chowhissy will be a married woman
and i know that's something she has wanted for a very long time

so that will be two weddings in my family this year, my niece Georgia in September and Shazzy in October

how cool is that ?

something not cool
poor hubby and sciatica
not cool indeed.

So today i am housework
and a heated beverage with my friend
nice

On a diet front, really, things are okay.
I am only five days in but already i feel different, my belly doesn't feel so bloated for sure and that makes a huge difference to me.

Gina gave me a link to a site www.calorieking.com.au and i am going to find that useful as i go along.

So all is well
and i am thin

the conga line starts here.........

day three of lesser me

2011-05-18T14:51:00.000+10:00

Thank you for the encouragement guys.

I am slogging away at it here.

New walking shoes will help, once I get used to them ( i do feel very sporty)

this is them i think only in different colours

I need to push past this fear of being seen in this state; like all fear it is debilitating and is holding me back from some of my favoured walk routes.

Still, I persist because I really have to lose some weight, alot of weight.

I remember a few days ago thinking how i could ever bring myself to 'start' a weight loss regime again and yet i have and here I am on day three.

Yep.

BTW our internet went out yesterday morning and has only just come back on, so thank you for concern.

When i get past this fear of mine, i will post some pictures of my more than ample ass.

Smooch xx

day one of lesser me

2011-05-16T13:05:00.001+10:00

I am faced with the challenge to lose some weight and so am applying myself to that for now. It is harder than I remember losing weight to be but I am determined to shift some kilos before the September wedding of my niece Georgia.

Bottom line is that I cannot go forward with my life looking the way I do and so, something has to give;setting a goal like Georgia's wedding seems reasonable.

Wish me luck.

God will I need it.

PS i would much appreciate your weight loss tips

from his lips

2011-05-14T21:50:00.000+10:00

My son tells me
that sight of me
trying to get off the lounge
reminds him

of a turtle on its back

trying to flip over

snort x

It ain't pretty......

Winter is here

2011-05-11T16:30:00.000+10:00

cold indeed

breezy, sneezy

very, very cold

life is interesting when you learn about

passion-fruit cheesecake

plastic dog houses

blocked flues

children's plans for the future

red bins

and husbands who attack a jammed printer with a builders fineness

and then wonder why it's not working

or working less perfectly than usual

So,

its cold

visits with Dr's

psychologists

parentals and then some

life is interesting

and i am wondering where, how and why I fit in

and in some instance,

many instances

where, how and why I do not.

not that it bothers me

not that anything at all does actually

so, Supernatural

OMG

someone's going to die

which admittedly

doesn't mean much on Supernatural

because they come back alot on that show

but still

there is angst to be had

indeed.

Busy days every day this week.

Tonight will be an early one.

Mid- Week Mantra

I am allowed to say 'no'

I separate myself from the expectations of others

backstroke

2011-05-07T20:27:00.000+10:00

the tension
and the pressure that
was my Friday
resulted in the
retching and the crying
of the Migraine
that was my Friday night

I really believe that my horrible day
was merely my body reacting to the
onset of migraine

it affects us all in different ways
and when I awoke this morning
I felt lighter
shifted
from the place of pain I had been in
the day before

so
migraine survived
down right depressing day
survived

and today has been better
better
indeed

I find so often
that my 'bad' days
come from a place of fear
a place where I am forced to stand back
and look at things i dont want to

last night alone
in pain
filled me with dread
as i wondered who would be there for my children
if they are in pain
sick
in years to come

Things like this
the mind does awful things
because of course I know
they will be loved
they will be looked after
but it scares me
it really does

Happy Mothers Day tomorrow

Motherhood comes in many shapes and sizes
in many varied yet valid forms

Love is the same.

hardness surrounds

2011-05-06T16:41:00.000+10:00

Today is hard
on all levels

I woke up feeling down
and now
late afternoon
it threatens to engulf me

I wont cry
though it might help
I wont cry in front of them
I will wait until i am alone

i am so tightly wound
through holding myself rigid
tightly wound through hanging on so tight

a stiff upper lip
the facade is all i have today
this very long Friday
and i feel so alone
shrouded by my armour

sad me
sad

fractions

2011-05-06T12:23:00.000+10:00

no words do i have

2011-05-03T11:10:00.000+10:00

rat a tat tat......one really silly hat..

2011-04-30T13:15:00.000+10:00

Oh dear
the hats
the hats

Catherine and my darling boy were just magical, magical and i wish them a life time of happiness and health.

However........
the hats
the hats
the bloody awful hats

You know the ones i mean
the 'sitting on my face' hats
the 'stapled to my forehead' hats
how
bloody
horrible

Posh Spice has the only accessory
any woman or man could ever want
so wonderful is this accessory
that she married it.
why she went with that hat i will never know

and it wasn't just her
others were showing up with boats on their foreheads as well
Randoms looking, well, random........

and then,
and then

the beautiful Princess Eugenie
with Princess Beetroot

and beetroot's hat
O M G
O M G

however,
the last word must go to the patiently resigned Guard in the photo below
snicker
snort
can you even begin to imagine what he is thinking ?
and the look on the faces of the two Princesses
side glances caught for all time

snort x a million

look
at
that
hat
!!!

aaarrrggghhh.....where are my good glass beads ??

2011-04-28T16:00:00.001+10:00

That is the question my dear friends

Have been at all of the boxes i can reach and NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

shitz x456985

Anyway, in a real world, there are floods to worry about, children with guns, tornedos, people starving, and Misha Collin's future in Supernatural under a cloud of uncertainty.

I am aware of that.

I am also aware that I didn't do any of the Cottage pack up as it was too distressing and so Marc, Prue and Josh may have filed my good beads under D for donut.

Sigh..........

I need to breathe deep and read some spiritual quotes.

I need to breathe deep and do 5 minutes on the exercise bike or alternately I can sit and write a story about a vampire, or a shark that walks on Converse covered feet.

Sigh........

Where are my farking BEADS !!!

Brain Schnapps

2011-04-27T14:59:00.000+10:00

I am working at losing weight.
Now that I have eaten all the Easter Eggs that shouldn't be a problem.

silver and blue, the true you is you

2011-04-26T16:42:00.000+10:00

I have spent the afternoon going through boxes in an attempt to locate all of my beading equipment.

Hours later, i have found most of the stuff although a lot is missing, probably in an other box to be found another day.

So from this you may gather that beading is of importance again in my life and i would have to agree.

My favourite angel Castiel ( played by Misha Collins)
may not be back for Supernatural season 7;
knowing this has not helped my headache.

Nothing elaborate, just some braiding and beading to keep my hands and mind occupied- well, that's the plan and we will just see how it goes.

My mother has been very unwell all over Easter so that puts a damper on things, also Josh being away has seen the minds of Marc & I steely focused on not focusing on Joshua.

Parent hood.
OMG.

So, I am about to cart the beading stuff downstairs where i will probably avoid it as much as i can.

Due to the ill health of a lot of my WOTAC group i have needed postpone next weeks gala spectacular.

Sometimes things just dont work out the way you envisioned them, 'aint that the truth.

Anyway
Life

It will be what it is.

Headache.

Happening.

Now.

Come bead with me.......

A Period of Rebirth, how ever you believe.

2011-04-23T17:00:00.000+10:00

enjoy the break

the repast

the time alone with family

or socialising with friends

we are doing a bit of both here

Josh is off to the Blues Festival with his girlfriend

Prue is busy baking

Huge lunch planned for tomorrow, so yes, Marc and I are busy.

Enjoy !

this fear, this greatest fear- from me it comes, I hold it near

2011-04-21T15:59:00.002+10:00

I am scared today.
Scared.
When I get scared, I feel angry;
feelings of rage bubble within me.

Feelings of being pushed, shoved into compliance and then of being unimportant.

I am scared today and so angry at being 'made' to do something i do not want to.

Of course, there is the reality of the situation.

A night out with friends ( i love) that I AGREED to; Me.

A couple of hours out for dinner and I am sick, sick with fear.
It is NOT them, its me.
What can my friends possibly see of value in me?

I dont want to go but I also know that I cannot go on hiding here at home.
I dont want to go but i also know I am not alone in this situation- Marc is part of this as well.

What is it that scares me ?
Life.
My weight, my inability to be interesting, relative.
This horrible, debilitating paranoia that seems to have crept in with the kilos.

I dont want to go, and yet I feel totally unable to make that decision for myself.
The despair is welling up and thudding down in my gut and the tears sit at the back of my throat just waiting for me to decide either way.

I am so scared.

How much longer can i go on hiding ?

How much more will I hate myself tomorrow if i dont push myself tonight?

even the strongest have weakness

2011-04-19T15:39:00.001+10:00

today
not so good

done all the right things
cleaned up
walked hounds
showered
even watched a move ( Rear Window) with my son

still

I feel like I'm slipping
on this slippery slope
wanting to sleep
to sleep away blues
but i wont
i wont

and the rain
comes tumbling down

just a bad day
nothing new there
just a bad day
tomorrow will be better

I walked today
and that is good.

What the .............?????

2011-04-18T14:28:00.001+10:00

Somebody.

Fix.

WORDSCRAPER.

NOW !!!!!!

the timbers quake, the heavens spake

2011-04-18T11:51:00.000+10:00

a dream
last night
or early this morning

I was in a room
white
with Marc
and on one of the walls
a white board

Marc was trying to tell me something
but I didn't understand
so he grabbed a blue marker
and started writing on the white board

I faded out
and when I faded back in
he had written all over the white walls
in blue ink

I was horrified
particularly because I know
that is something
Marc
would
never
ever do

as he saw my horror
he started to see what he had done
and he came and laid down next to me

I said 'Marc I think you need to see someone'
and he said
'yes, i do'

I woke up then and got up to get a drink of water and
as I was walking down the hallway, a voice inside me said

"now you've seen the writing on the wall"

strange , huh ??

weekend in the suburbs

2011-04-17T17:05:00.000+10:00

well, yesterday it rained
alot
and was cold and creepy
kind of weather too
i have a very sore
infected big toe
which will make shopping for new walking shoes a pain
so tea is done
chicken
and some bakes
and today has had no rain
thank god
because the boy needs to play SOME hockey every weekend
Easter is in a minute and I am re-watching Angel
life is not too exciting here in the abode
this weekend
washing is done
house is warm
yep, hum
what a magnificent actor James Stewart was
and Doris too
yep

as i run screaming for the doors

2011-04-15T14:21:00.000+10:00

children.
on school holidays.
at Coles.

mothers
of said children
screaming
at Coles.

and me
a mother
of grown ( even overgrown) children
who innocently sees going
to Coles for granola
and juice
as a diversion
from said OVERGROWN son
from said overgrown child
on the lounge
all over the lounge
and seeping onto the floor

how many times can one
say "wrong"

shudder
shake
fear

i am trying to wash the desperation off

not mine so much

my own little nightmare can
and will
climb into my car
and drive off
some time soon
some time not soon enough

but the desperation of others
children and mothers
sad
sad

the call of my reality

2011-04-14T20:56:00.000+10:00

a bad day is NOT a depression day

today I have sat, witnessed,
toyed with and felt
the call of my reality

today I have spent time
with others
in their world
knowing in some ways
this is
the call of my reality

I acknowledge you there
standing there
off centre in my room
and I call to you
tell you
I am not
where you need me to be

still I know
about the pain
about the lies
and deception

still I know that
this
continues to be
the call of my reality

My anger, fear, loss and devastation propelled me into a mental health crisis.
Now I am very well and safe, supported.
And yet I see the elements that ruined me so, still there, still affecting my day to day, and I realise that they are my reality; it saddens me so.

Passion by Joss Whedon

2011-04-13T10:02:00.000+10:00

Passion, it lies in all of us,

sleeping...

waiting...

and though unwanted...

unbidden...

it will stir...

open its jaws and howl.

It speaks to us...

guides us...

passion rules us all, and we obey.

What other choice do we have?

Passion is the source of our finest moments.

The joy of love...

the clarity of hatred...

and the ecstasy of grief.

It hurts sometimes more than we can bear.

If we could live without passion maybe we'd know some kind of peace...

but we would be hollow...

Empty rooms shuttered and dank.

Without passion we'd be truly dead.

written by Joss Whedon

Same Time Next Year

2011-04-12T11:24:00.000+10:00

I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away.

2011-04-10T18:20:00.002+10:00

Xander, Buffy

Season One
So funny

No hiding this day.

A beautiful , lovely, leisurely day out with the husband of mine and his mum

Choko's and Gramma pie, pumpkins galore.

I wish our year was autumn x 2 and spring x 2

Then tours of our valley could happen more often.

Buffy should have ended up with Spike.

Twirl, Swirl and Dance for me

Fight for me

Be for me

Twirl, Swirl and Be with me

See my heart

Die for me

Miss Humanity

2011-04-09T19:09:00.000+10:00

how I dance
in and out of certainty
about what my next step will be
about where i next will go

weaving
the balancing goblet is held over me
because i know
i should be
here
and there for you
because i know
i should

walking the line of eternal confusion
knocks me swaying in the breeze
causing me to miss my mark
causing me to miss my humanity

you will never judge me as harshly as
i continue
to judge myself

sway
walk
tripping wildly
in my garden by the road
in my garden by the hill..

and you tell me still

a lesser day, a poorer fate

2011-04-08T16:16:00.001+10:00

Now that I am WELL
the need to 'earn' presents its self
in front of my avoiding face
but I know its true
somewhere in amongst my fears
is the fear of never being productive
again

and so I am looking
seeking
just what I am able of doing
to contribute to this home of mine

despite the fact that I received many calls about reading
I am declining that path
doubting whether I was ever a good reader at all
and doubting i could be again

despite the proclamation of WELL
my life is still pretty much shaped
by my mental health in that
to be WELL
I need to be medicated, and that of course takes a toll

I dont know what I am going to do, all I know is that no way I could ever step back into the realm of spiritual teaching, reading, healing again.
The scars are too deep, far too deep.
really

I am looking at some form of working from home
but not knowing how, what etc

I have always managed to find some way of contributing to my household
but right now, I am really stumped as to how I can contribute

Flummoxed and then some.

recall

2011-04-08T13:26:00.000+10:00

breathing
one
two

counting the moments
in between

breathing
a dream I know
four letters given
and stupid me
thinking
'i'll remember in the morning'
duh

four letters
and a message
important

which leaves me
breathing
counting the moments
in between

breathing

Leaves To Be Seen

2011-04-07T17:45:00.000+10:00

each paragraph is a leaf in my today

and so it begins, this day, this dance
the trials though far gone now,
linger awaiting a weak spot
and so it was
this day
so like every other day

sun, not easy to find
leaving bleakness to lurk
to chase, to haunt me down

around me the wind
a breeze in truth
swirls in and out, a trial to begin

Jim Beaver's cat called appropriately
Sigourney Beaver.

these days,
my hand held out
where I miss the friendship of the one that i was once so sure
I miss you but know
we may never dance this dance again

fluttering memories
scaling bare walls
unloved leaves a tree free
unloved sees me fall.

dance the dance
the roses dance
and goblins five
keep fear alive

the red hair of an angel incarnate
my daughter
one of Bridget's own
i cannot speak the words
to tell of my love for you

A whisper of hate
yes hate
catches at my throat
just in time to prevent me
wishing ill.

dance no more
this is no more
tomorrow is to come
and i will once again
dance in the light

the greatest revelation is that once
you discarded me I still clung on to you
and still continue to

there are no new books
nor knowledge unfound
it is all one truth
it is found
it is found

this kid, my beautiful boy
I am so over cooking for you

the drugs help
they allow me to live
but through that haze
my nightly drug haze
I see you, my friend who was
was real to me
and I miss you

God, please look over Kathleen.

Magic in the written word.

2011-04-06T15:01:00.000+10:00

Seldom has a book touched me as this book has.

'Life's That Way' by Jim Beaver is a powerful, touching memoir , the likes of which I have never read before.

It was weeks ago when I first received it, and I am still going- I just dont want to lose Jim and Maddie yet.

It is a book of truth, of pain, of laughter, of loss.

I've gasped with recognition and cried myself to sleep with exhaustion as the narrative touches on Jim's real life and its correspondences to Lisa's real life.

For anyone who had ever lost a wife, a mother, a friend, a dream, a cottage, a pet.......

an excerpt

October 7 2004

"I said that most days the sadness and loss I feel is a dull ache inside.
But every once in a while it takes on the character of a blade of steel stabbing through my breast. Today was like that. It was an odd sensation. No tears, no overt mournfulness, just an occasional feeling that someone had just chopped into my chest with an axe. And I would pause, as one does when perforated by an axe, and reflect on my loss and then move on. I've not had quite a day like it, in this regard. Apparently there is no end to the new ways one can experience such a cataclysm.
11.18pm
Jim."

Jim Beaver is SO honest and it is that honesty, that opening of his life which makes this book so worth the read.

Jim is an actor and many of us will know him as 'Bobby' in Supernatural.

Please invite, like I did, Jim, Maddie and their story in to your life; loss is universal, so is laughter and healing.

Lisa x

round and round the mini me goes

2011-04-05T15:04:00.000+10:00

When looking for a place to start, a place to commence rebuilding, a place to heal we need look no further than ourselves and our earth.

In Paganism it is believed that the earth is alive, an extension of us and that we are in fact a micro-ism of the earth itself.

I have beliefs that are woven around those concepts, woven around the extension business because I believe that, I see no separation, I truly do believe that we are one; all connected, interconnected, touching each other, feeling the positive and negative effects of our actions, of the earth's actions.

I know that what I throw out effects.
Everything is effected.

And this is what I am working with today, my re-realisation of the Butterfly effect. My re-acceptance of that concept. My re- embracing of a concept that feels to me like truth. I like being a mini me of the earth.

and the dance continues......

daily nuggets

2011-04-04T16:59:00.000+10:00

So much in life is really simple if we take it entirely in the way it presents to us, without the crap that comes before and the crap that will follow.

If we just take these little nuggets of life as they are, we can cope or I amend, I will cope.

I know all this and yet I dont.

In theory I know so much but in practise, I stumble, sway and fall.

I am trying so hard to spend 2 10minutes periods each day just focussing.

A wonderful session with my psychologist Lisa, this afternoon. About feelings and emotions and how the presence of those things doesn't mean I am falling, doesn't mean I am slap bang in the middle of mental illness again.

You see, I am well.
Really.
I have a life full of supporting people, prop's and learned responses.
I know my triggers and my medications.
I have therapy.
I am well.

and I really need to remember that next time I have a bad day, a headache, a sleepless night- i really need to remember that, I do.

I have a lot of fear around Mental Health (my), I have come so far and only a few chosen ones have made it with me and I am so grateful, so very grateful.

I am right now the best I have been in years and I have no more anger, no more resentment- how can I ? I have no more pride, no more defences.

My life imploded on the public stage, so in many ways I have no more secrets.

So, going with the nuggets each day provides for me. Seeing it for what it is without the worry of yesterday or tomorrow.

Being well without fear.

Nuggets but not chicken nuggets no- Prue would never allow that.

Sunday today

2011-04-03T18:31:00.000+10:00

so funny just how an hour can change our day
daylight saving
making 6pm look and feel like 9pm
bloody hell

a question about death and rebirth jostles for attention in my mind
not sure what I believe in any-more
what i believe
where and when
totally up in the air

my brain
a lunar scape
complete with dips and dust
complete though damaged bad
repairable though
and that's what matters

I have forgotten so much
forgotten
gone
and other stuff, well it lingers
while I wish it were forgotten
hmmm

WOTAC invitations sent out
Easter too

Will my re-belief come to me in a shining white moment?
A revelation or a miracle ?

Colour me stumped.

Yep x

Wavy Tingles of Wispy Days

2011-04-02T13:47:00.000+11:00

all moves forward, pressing, surging onwards
and all is well as we manoeuvre the bends
the bends , yes
indeed

sometimes they ask me what my thoughts are
but I am hesitant to share
not really knowing the value of me, my thoughts
not really knowing what they want along with my thoughts
and it is something
it is always something

wispy fingers glide through the dream world of me, of you
of us
truth cannot be denied in dreams
in the greyness
the pitch where all dreams arise
where dreams arise, man lays dormant

the night
prickles
as fingers, old, ruemy
draw, dig, deep into our souls
calling first to our knowledge
second to our dream
giving rise to the shadow folk
those who talk with no speech
who move without effort
the dream keepers
oh yes, they are real

we all have them
hidden deep
wise ones,
protector of the dream state
no words, just fingers
scratching and scraping
alerting us,
to the key, the signature
that is left when dreams are held against you
making us aware
that even when we say we dont know
in fact we do
and the whispers will keep on
on and on
until
the recognition is owned
until denying
has stopped.

be mindful always
of those who came at you in your dreams

just a thought

2011-03-31T09:01:00.002+11:00

People will forget what you said,
people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget
how you made them feel.
~Maya Angelou~

Jackson Baker 2009 2010

2011-03-28T15:01:00.001+11:00

By Joshua Ballico

of import

2011-03-28T11:53:00.000+11:00

http://rainbowspirit11.blogspot.com/2011/03/please-send-love-and-healing.html

Please read and send healing

earth hour, election, daddy's birthday

2011-03-26T10:21:00.000+11:00

My son is 'shooting' his HSC short film today.
My spare room is the studio for indoor shots and Newcastle is the location for the outdoor ones.

He has written a script and has picked up the lone actor ( Dylan) from the train station. This script/film counts for around 50% of his HSC mark, so he is taking it all very seriously.
He has also made the soundtrack for the short film, from his own music.

Happy Birthday Daddy !

Smooches all round.......